:::all things bright and beautiful:::

I’ll try my best not to turn this into a crib session. I’m just trying to understand and make sense of a few things here.

1. Why do people wish ill of others? Why do they envy and take actions to ensure the target is at a desirable level of unhappiness? I’m not talking about people who know me and wish their life was more like their perception of my life. I’m talking about people who are perfect strangers taking pains to pass the word around to ensure my spirit and good cheer is dulled if not killed. I mean… why should my existence bother them at all? I do not see how I impact their lives in anyway other than being in their vision for a few minutes in a day. I do not understand.
2. Why should this hurt me? They are strangers after all… it is not someone close to me betraying me so why should it hurt? Why should perfect strangers’ skewed perceptions affect me so? Why? Their existence should not matter to me. Even if they are so desperately trying to impact my life it should be easy for me to shrug off the stupidity, right? So why then am I feeling so shitty?

So does this mean I’ll back down? Ha! I’m too pig headed for that. But do I have the emotional strength to show them the finger and live my life the way I always have? I don’t think so. So will I survive this crazy “rebelling, falling down, picking up the pieces and rebelling some more”? I’ll keep you posted.

When was the last time you laughed?

No. Not smiled. Laughed. Laughed till your tummy ached. Laughed till you continued laughing coz you just couldn't stop.

Do you even remember what has the power to make you laugh like that?

A few days ago, I was asked by somebody to laugh loudly and uncontrollably so she could shoot it on film for a project she was working on. I tried. I tried hard and failed. I just couldn't laugh and what's worse I got depressed coz it'd gotten so hard to laugh. It wasn't till I spent some time with my cousin that I realized I still could get silly and laugh really hard. I'm so grateful for her existence in my life and that I have given her the power to make me laugh.

I'm still a li'l shaken up that I can't laugh. It feels like life crept up on me when I wasn't looking and stole my silly/goofy times and my ability to laugh uncontrollably. Grrrr....