:::all things bright and beautiful:::

so i was born 26 years ago. i don't know why. nobody asked me. i just was.

it took me quite sometime to figure out how things worked around here. it didn't help that

i didn't agree with most of it.

i vaguely remember my first day of school when i had clarity of thought and purpose in

life. i had to protect my new best friend (ratna.. i think) from the new found class bully

(her name was pinky). i thought i had it all figured out then.

my childhood and preteen years were painful. i used to be happy and content with such

little and simple things. why painful then? coz i stumbled upon a new threat to my happy

life.. something called "rules". the best analogy i can think of is minesweeper. so there i

was happy to skip from one square to the next... delighted to discover the pretty numerals,

even if they didn't make sense or mean anything, watch the pretty colors.. and BOOM!

everything blows up in my face coz i failed to do something according to the rules. normal

expectations from normal parents and a normal society took on proportions of an evil plan,

a plan meant to lull me into peace just to shock me again and again. so i screwed up a lot

coz i was partially deaf and blind to rules that everybody was just supposed to know.

but life wasn't all that bad. i always got a fresh start. so i told myself it was ok to

screw up coz you can always begin afresh. i thought i had it all figured out then.

cut to the recent past...

life's good. life's happy... so happy infact it's a li'l unreal... therefore BOOM! why? coz

i'm comfortable with screwing up, picking up the pieces, and moving on to a fresh start.

gives me a purpose in life you see. gives me a nice comforting illusion that things are

getting better and i'll do better with the next chance than i did with the last. who knows!

and there's death to think about! i mean how can we not think about death? i've never

really found a satisfactory answer or meaning to existence so maybe this blink of a life is

all we get. so..

how can i not live as many lives as i can in it?

minilives. a million desires. cramming it in like i'll starve for life after death.

choosing to live better with each iteration. thought this was it. how could this mean i did

not have things figured out? i obviously did.

but then there was a pause. a glitch.

we all have a perfect picture of the ideal. the ideal self, the ideal answer, the ideal

love, person etc. etc. it's clearer when we are young, more objective. gets muddled and

dirtied with subjective wants as we grow up.. as we learn to not expect too much even in

that imaginary ideal that we create in our minds.

so do you know what happens when reality exceeds expectation of a person who has learned

the hard way to derive comfort from things in imagination and in thought coz there is no

way reality can ever match it? it pisses them off!! that's what it does.

i was/am pissed. i crave a fresh start after screwing up but now suddenly i know it won't

satisfy me anymore. i have glimpsed at a more mature way of life. so i know now i have to

make it my purpose, the walk down that calm path which offers different joys than the ones

i've been used to. yeah bloody pissing off. but i will do it. coz just one minilife is

enough if i try a li'l harder and make it worth the while. i think.

do i have it all figured out yet? :|